My friend Jessica, a/k/a "the High Tech Hottie" is one of the best connectors I know; she's the one who taught me - a boomer - all about social networking so that when many people my age didn't know what Facebook was - I had a page (despite the protests of my son who was grateful that we had different last names). Now of course, it's been taken over by people of my generation - but the point is - it's all because of Jessica. Ditto for Plaxo, LinkedIn and anything else involving social networking and or technology. And - in addition to her many other accomplishments - Jessica has recently been invited to do a whole "tour" on social networking and could likely write a book about it - and might actually ask me to help - since she enjoys promoting my writing. Why then does she rarely write about her accomplishments in her status updates, instead posting pictures of her cat or writing about craving a Publix cake? The answer? Jessica understands that there's a thin line between self-confidence and shameless self promotion.
Fasten your seatbelts - it's time for a rant.
I love people. Everyone needs to be alone sometimes, but I’m most definitely an extrovert and a connector. The sort of person who meets someone at the Laundromat and is invited to her home to learn how to make Swedish bread. (This actually happened to me in the early 90s, when I was living in Hoboken and met a woman from Stockholm who was speaking in Swedish which reminded me of my grandmother and a friendship developed). Definitely someone to whom networking is a no-brainer. Except that since I was laid off – even though I’m still very much out there – I’ve noticed that many who I thought were my friends actually were only associating with me because of what they thought I could give them in the role that I played for my company. In other words – they weren’t my friends – and when I branched out on my own, and decided to develop my own company, I became “competition” and it was no longer beneficial for them to call me – or even answer my calls.
That was sad to me; not because I missed them – but because they didn’t and don’t understand that the universe is infinite – not finite; that there’s plenty of pie for everyone – and no one will go hungry. That everyone can be successful and that the depression or recession or whatever they’re calling it these days is fleeting – just as everything else is…and in crisis there is opportunity.
This is turning into what my friend Tom would call and “airy fairy” rant – so let me get back on point: self-praise stinks. At least too much of it does.
Lots of us who are trained marketers or salespeople casually say “pardon my shameless self promotion” almost anecdotally as we then go into a self-laudatory rant about our latest project or honor – however incidental it might be without the puffing. Having been raised by a mother who not only didn’t brag about her own kids – but for fear of appearing conceited – contradicted those who did – it’s hard for me to fall naturally into the self-plugging mode.
If someone said “Oh, your daughter is lovely,” she might say “yeah, but she needs to lose a few pounds and I hate her hair that way.”
If they said “Your daughter is such a pleasure to have at our home,” she’d counter with “Well – you don’t live with her.”
All of this, I’m sure sounds more like fodder for a conversation with a team of therapists, and perhaps it is; it is, of course, essential to appreciate one’s self-worth and have healthy self-esteem and “complete confidence” as my dear friend Sheenah would say. But sometimes, even as a trained marketer who has taught others how to do an elevator pitch, I find the words hard to get out and find it even harder to listen to the unending babbling brook of others whose stream of conversation always leads back to their latest accomplishment, however slight it might be.
I tried to capture some of that “brio” by telling an acquaintance about a project I’m working on as a ghost writer (note: as a ghost writer, one’s job is to be heard and not seen, so I have to keep most things on the QT and write the promotional blogs for my clients).
But – one day I was going to use this as my status update on Facebook:
“I was just asked to write a bio for an up and coming actress for a local publication,” I wrote.
Truth was? My neighbor asked me to write something about her daughter for the Playbill for her 6th grade production of Alice in Wonderland.
So – I couldn’t do it. I had to stop. I wrote about making meatloaf or posted a Joni Mitchell video. Or something silly and nonsensical. Nothing that would make me sound like the pompous hoards I loathed…
But since I didn’t want to cut my nose off to spite my face - to be constructive – and give myself a “not to do” list – here’s my take on what shameless self promotion (a/k/a career fabulism) involves:
Shameless self-promoters are riveted on mentioning their project or business ad nauseum, as a social climber might bring up the names of famous celebrities with whom they hang
A shameless self-promoter will sometimes only tangentially acknowledge that a dialog is going on – although trained to appear as though they are actively listening – they gloss over the input added by – guess what – again mentioning the advantages of what they are promoting;
Any topic is converted into a sales pitch; and – most importantly -
The goal of shameless self-promoters is to forward their own agenda; friends are chosen on the basis of how they can help on the way up – with no consideration of the age-old cliché “you will meet the same people on your way up as you do on your way down.”
I don't mind eating lunch alone - which surprisingly doesn't happen that often - because sprinkled in the relentless climbers, I have some famous friends who choose to dine with me because they enjoy my company - and not because of the company for which I work - and not because I have anything to offer them except trenchant repartee, a few laughs and friendship - but I won't tell you who they are...that would be name-dropping!
Happy Tuesday, all!